I posted this early on, but am thinking I should post it again. We've had some of these "insensitive" comments thrown our way lately and I felt the need to express that these are things NOT to be said. Not things you should be saying! :)
I'd love to see a list of snappy comebacks for these comments too. Any suggestions out there?! The ones I can come up with are too inappropriate. :)
Things that are NOT to be Said to People Who Adopt:
1. How much did she/he cost?
2. Why did you go and adopt--couldn't you have your "own" child?
3. Did you buy that baby?
4. Maybe now that you adopted, you'll have "your own" child. (will the one we adopt belong to someone else??)
5. She/He looks nothing like either of you.
6. What are you going to do when she/he looks for their birthparent?
7. Do you know her/his "real" parents? (What will we be? The fake parents?)
8. I sure hope he/she fits into your family!
9. Why didn't his/her real mom want him/her?
10. Don't even tell him/her they are adopted, they'll never know.
11. Too bad you had to adopt!
12. Whose fault is it you can't get pregnant?
13. You're doing these kids such a favor.
14. S/he is so lucky to have your family instead of his/her own.
15. An older child is damaged goods .
16. She's your daughter?
17. What about your own kids? What do they think about this?
18. She might come from a cursed background.
19. What are you going to do when you have kids of your own?
20. Do you think you love them as much as you could love your real kids?
21. You got kids the easy way you never even had to be pregnant.
22. What if the real parents come back and kidnap them?
Monday, February 25, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
Ukrainian Holiday
Tomorrow is Motherland Defender's Day in Ukraine. Yeah, I don't know what it means either but I downloaded all Ukrainian holidays onto my Outlook and that's what popped up. Just by the title I could guess it has something to do with the Ukrainian Army, but I could be way off.
There was also a mention of Ukraine on my guilty pleasure website, tmz.com. Something about Jessican Simpson and how her new movie is more popular there than in the US ??? Anytime I see "Ukraine" in print I have to read it.
So...I think we will be happy with the restructuring of our agency. We did find out that our dossier has made it to Ukraine and is in the process of being translated. YAY!!
A friend asked me the other day, "Isn't it weird to know your child is alive and living in an orphanage and just waiting for you?". YES! And the sooner we can go pick him/her up the better their life will be (and ours too)! OUR child, and YOUR grandchild, neice/nephew, cousin, 2nd cousin, even great-grandchild is living in Ukraine and waiting to have a home with a Mom & Dad, two dogs and fantastic extended family! We can't wait to meet him/her!!!!
There was also a mention of Ukraine on my guilty pleasure website, tmz.com. Something about Jessican Simpson and how her new movie is more popular there than in the US ??? Anytime I see "Ukraine" in print I have to read it.
So...I think we will be happy with the restructuring of our agency. We did find out that our dossier has made it to Ukraine and is in the process of being translated. YAY!!
A friend asked me the other day, "Isn't it weird to know your child is alive and living in an orphanage and just waiting for you?". YES! And the sooner we can go pick him/her up the better their life will be (and ours too)! OUR child, and YOUR grandchild, neice/nephew, cousin, 2nd cousin, even great-grandchild is living in Ukraine and waiting to have a home with a Mom & Dad, two dogs and fantastic extended family! We can't wait to meet him/her!!!!
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Just Waiting
This is the long drawn out part of adoption -- the waiting. We had one final paper to get to our agency regarding Truman's name. Since he is "the III", he had to write something up saying all these names (without the suffix - which really was only on like 2 or 3 papers) are all the same person. He got that done right away, got it certified & apostilled and off it went overnight to the agency. That was the only thing keeping them from sending the dossier to Ukraine. That should happen this week. However, we just got word that they are doing some "restructuring of departments" and our Case Manager is now in AZ, not FL. We're hoping our dossier doesn't get lost in the shuffle of things and pushed aside for a while. I don't really think that will happen, but you never know.
During this waiting time I'm sure there will be fewer blogs to be written, but don't lose interest in us!! Check back from time to time to see what's new! If you can, follow along with the Johnson Family who is currently in Ukraine and Jason & April who are just beginning their trip to Ukraine. I'm sure they will both have interesting stories to tell.
We'll post when we have more news!
Love,
Su & Tru
During this waiting time I'm sure there will be fewer blogs to be written, but don't lose interest in us!! Check back from time to time to see what's new! If you can, follow along with the Johnson Family who is currently in Ukraine and Jason & April who are just beginning their trip to Ukraine. I'm sure they will both have interesting stories to tell.
We'll post when we have more news!
Love,
Su & Tru
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Not much new
I haven't posted in a while, but there's not a whole lot to say. We did get some additional timeline information from our agency and according to them we are staying pretty close to our own timeline of a September travel date. Of course, NONE of that is set in stone anywhere and can change at the drop of a hat. We did register for an International Adoption seminar in Cincinnati that some other blogging friends posted about. It's from 2/23 - 3/15...just 4 Saturday's. At least we will get to do a little bit of travel to Cinci. We haven't really spent much time there since we moved to KY, except for a baseball game and me traveling there for some work events (as our Main Office is in Cinci).
I had a dream last night about our SDA appointment. I dreamt that we showed up and there were lots of other families waiting in this cafe looking place with wrought iron tables & chairs. They called Truman in first to look at the profiles (which were all digital and projected onto a screen). He came out and said there was one boy he was drawn to. Next was my turn. They wanted us to pick out the same child. If we did, then we got to adopt, if not then we were going home. As with most dreams you wake up before it's over. But I like to think we chose the same child and were able to proceed with the adoption. :)
I think the next step for us at home is getting the room more ready for a child. We need to find bedding and Truman wants to get started on the Seuss murals. We are doing really good at picking up things little at a time that we'll need for traveling.
Talk to you all later!
I had a dream last night about our SDA appointment. I dreamt that we showed up and there were lots of other families waiting in this cafe looking place with wrought iron tables & chairs. They called Truman in first to look at the profiles (which were all digital and projected onto a screen). He came out and said there was one boy he was drawn to. Next was my turn. They wanted us to pick out the same child. If we did, then we got to adopt, if not then we were going home. As with most dreams you wake up before it's over. But I like to think we chose the same child and were able to proceed with the adoption. :)
I think the next step for us at home is getting the room more ready for a child. We need to find bedding and Truman wants to get started on the Seuss murals. We are doing really good at picking up things little at a time that we'll need for traveling.
Talk to you all later!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Dossier Processing
It's the regularly scheduled blogger here! Just wanted to give a quick update to say that our dossier arrived unharmed via Fed-Ex to Florida and our Case Manager had no comments on it. This is really good news, as it means we do not have to re-do any paperwork. She will be sending it to Ukraine where it will take 3-4 weeks to be translated, then wait to be submitted to the SDA (adoption office in Ukraine). We're told 3-12 months, but other families seem to have been waiting longer than that 12 month time frame. Of course, they dealt with program shut-downs & reached quotas for 2007. We hope that doesn't happen to us!! Hopefully our wide age-range we have requested will speed us up - but who really knows?! It's a strange feeling to know that someone in Ukraine is finally going to be seeing our dossier, it just makes this that much more real!! I wish there was something we could do to put us on the top of that waiting list, but I know that's not possible! We keep thinking it will happen this Fall - I hope we are right!
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Truman's POV
The following Blog is from Truman and contain his opinions and thoughts only; Susan is not responsible for my thoughts and, most likely, will deny that I actually have thoughts. :) For those that know me, read on and enjoy, for those who don’t, read on with the understanding that I tend to be sarcastic, dry, verbose, well meaning, stupid-intolerant, and, above all else, it is my strongest desire to be a parent with Susan by my side….
A very dear friend of mine read our blog and pointed out to me that it didn’t quite have the “Truman Touch” and wondered why I was not contributing. The quick answer is that I lean towards a more direct and less-nice perspective and the friends that are currently reading, whom we have not met personally, may be a bit put-off. Believe and hold true that I am reading and keeping up with every blog listed on our blog, including several others. Susan also lets me read over her shoulder on the Yahoo chat site, but we both agree that my stupidity tolerance meter would spike with some self-aggrandizing nut-jobs who think that all countries should be as pure and moral as the United States. I consider all of the bloggers and the posters friends, even if I may not agree with your views, as we are going through an experience that no-one else can truly appreciate without experience. It is not combat of the intensity that our men and women in foreign countries are facing (Gods protection for all of you), However, do not fool yourself, it is combat! We fight governments, banks, customs/immigration, agencies, time, feelings, depression, attitudes, monotony, and fear. Why? For lives; ours and the child-to-be.
A few ground rules:
1. I am an adult and I swear. I will censor myself from the unnecessary and big ones but there are times when nothing puts the point across like “SHIT!”
2. I have a sense of humor and I use it; with, on, and at people.
3. Euphemisms are for the weak. Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me. People, ALL PEOPLE, must start growing backbones to realize that words only have the power given them by the listener. If I call you an idiot and you take offense, whose fault is that? Snails don’t cry when they are called slow.
Codicil: Children must be protected until they can learn and fully understand this lesson, but they must be taught this lesson or they will not be functional adults.
4. I believe in God. I have my relationship with God. I have researched other religions and faiths. I do not intend to insult anyone’s faith or religion. I believe God helps those who help themselves and put it into practice.
5. I am a scientist and prefer to view things as they are rather than what they should be.
6. Stupid people piss me off. Clarification – If you don’t’ know something, that is not stupid. If you have a learning disability, that is not stupid. If you refuse to see facts or blindly follow rules rather than reason or expect the world to always be nice and fair or are unable to agree to disagree on opinions, THAT is stupid. That kind of stupid that has to be practiced. It annoys me.
7. I appreciate and love disagreement with debate. If we all agreed, what a boring place the world would be.
8. I have been wrong and can freely admit when that happens, it just happens so infrequently that people think I don’t admit it. :)
Ground rules set.
If you are upset at this point, I would quit reading and wait for Susan to post again. If not, or you are and elect to continue, welcome and thank you! You have shown intelligence and a good sense of adventure.
My favorite English teacher said when writing a good paper, “tell ‘em what you’re going to tell ‘em, tell ‘em, then tell ‘em what you told ‘em. (Thank you Miss. Ferraro).
I am using my time on the blog to expose what is bugging me. I see many others are very nice and upbeat. Everything is coming up roses and everyone is so full of happiness. I, too, am very optimistic about the final outcome and our adoption team has been working very hard, but the process is ridiculous and customer service is missing. If you are delving into this adventure, do not let the ranting of an egotistical maniac (me) scare you. It is, in the end, worth every drop of blood, sweat , and tears. It is not that the process is stupid, or crazy, or intense, or laborious, or time consuming. It is all of these things and more. We slog through the paperwork and crazy rules because we have to. It is a process designed by committee with each group putting in what they think will be in the best interest of the child. What the process design committee seems to have forgotten is the best interest of the child is to have a family. We, the adoptors, have been in and out of the wringer so much that only the ridiculously determined will make it, but does it have to be so hard? If the people who went through this process had some say, it could be streamlined and brought to some semblance of sanity. I could number each round we have fought, but other parents have done the same or similar. If you aren’t in the process, ask someone who is and as you watch the neck muscles flex and the body tighten with the post stress while they recount parts of the idiocy required, realize that this is what we are doing to make ourselves happier in the end. Why is such unmitigated happiness of having a family so hard to obtain? As Every Single Adoptive Parent has asked, Why don’t they make these idiot baby factory people fill out half of the work we do? Population would slow and I could watch the news again. If you can and do watch the news, pretend with all of your heart that you don’t have children and that is ALL that you want, then watch one night of the evening news. What people are doing to children that you would trade all of your worldly possessions for will make you sick. Yet we are not pretending, it is true for us. Criminal background check, prior address check, home study, financial records, and time, the mother-flipping time. There is always a trade off, time is money and no where is that truer than with adoption. Pay an agency for quicker processing and help, or go it alone (reading and research could take months). Can’t afford Ukraine? China is half of the price but almost 3 years wait. And the big hush-hush secret: expediting fees while in country. Bribes, extortion, fees, call what you will, but it is time you are buying. And I have no problem with paying the fees and encourage people to if they can. It is the standard in foreign countries that have no minimum wage or welfare. To the sanctimonious dumbasses that throw their noses up as if this is an affront to the process, The bribe is a US institution. We legitimized it by calling it a tip. Tipping for good or better service was invented in the US. A rose by any other name…
Which in a very round about way leads me to customer service and getting what we pay for. First, rest assured we are happy with our agency as they have been worth the $ in saved confusion and time, but from what I have seen they and other groups could be improved with some simple business classes in customer service. All of the facilitators and agencies we met when we were interviewing, were people who wanted to get the children into forever families. They were social workers running a business, but I don’t think they want to see themselves as a business. Every single one said they were non-profit organization. But every single one is an organization that provides a service for a fee, a substantial fee, that is a business. Whether for profit or not they have customers, service offered, and product. We, as the customers, feel that we must take any and all mishandling so that we get our final product. But the agencies don’t understand that the happier the customer is with the service, the more inclined they will be for repeat and referral business! When a customer walks into a fast food restaurant, they aren’t sent to a corner office to wait until someone can serve them. You would never go back. Why do we put up with snotty bureaucrats, being left in limbo going crazy for information, and people who don’t care about us, the parents footing the bill? Because we are hostage to our desperate wants and needs for children. The parents I have talked to and the blogs I have read seem to have a recurring theme. “ I didn’t know what was going on until they said I was ready to go and then we were happy to have the child” Why isn’t information shared before that? Facilitators say “we are working very hard behind the scenes, don’t worry about it, we will call with news”. We hand over thousands of dollars, life savings in some cases, and then are told to shut up and wait? Seriously?!? What are they doing behind the scenes? Why can’t we have information. I won’t worry about rumors I hear on the net or chat rooms, if I get information in a timely manner. I just think a bit of business thinking could improve the service all around. We have not traveled yet and the blogs I have seen say the Facilitators in country are breaking their necks to help the parents. Why, in a service-oriented country like the US, don’t we get similar treatment.
I don’t think I am asking too much from the process or the people. We want children. You have children. We are yearning to take these children and with everything that we have, give them a warm loving nurturing home filled with food, frolicking and potential. You are spending what is necessary to give them basic living conditions. There must be a better way for the process. Someone get UNICEF”s head out of the quota system and back to a global village taking care of the children instead of supporting regionalized care. Agencies, realize you are a business regardless of your profit status and provide the service you are paid for. The child, as a product, is not yours to give. You are paid for emotional solace and comfort as well as the facilitation on the American side of the process.
Thank you for reading my opinions. If you have taken offense, why? Let me know, I love to discuss and debate. If you agree, good, shows intelligence. :P We now return you to our regularly scheduled blogger…
A very dear friend of mine read our blog and pointed out to me that it didn’t quite have the “Truman Touch” and wondered why I was not contributing. The quick answer is that I lean towards a more direct and less-nice perspective and the friends that are currently reading, whom we have not met personally, may be a bit put-off. Believe and hold true that I am reading and keeping up with every blog listed on our blog, including several others. Susan also lets me read over her shoulder on the Yahoo chat site, but we both agree that my stupidity tolerance meter would spike with some self-aggrandizing nut-jobs who think that all countries should be as pure and moral as the United States. I consider all of the bloggers and the posters friends, even if I may not agree with your views, as we are going through an experience that no-one else can truly appreciate without experience. It is not combat of the intensity that our men and women in foreign countries are facing (Gods protection for all of you), However, do not fool yourself, it is combat! We fight governments, banks, customs/immigration, agencies, time, feelings, depression, attitudes, monotony, and fear. Why? For lives; ours and the child-to-be.
A few ground rules:
1. I am an adult and I swear. I will censor myself from the unnecessary and big ones but there are times when nothing puts the point across like “SHIT!”
2. I have a sense of humor and I use it; with, on, and at people.
3. Euphemisms are for the weak. Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me. People, ALL PEOPLE, must start growing backbones to realize that words only have the power given them by the listener. If I call you an idiot and you take offense, whose fault is that? Snails don’t cry when they are called slow.
Codicil: Children must be protected until they can learn and fully understand this lesson, but they must be taught this lesson or they will not be functional adults.
4. I believe in God. I have my relationship with God. I have researched other religions and faiths. I do not intend to insult anyone’s faith or religion. I believe God helps those who help themselves and put it into practice.
5. I am a scientist and prefer to view things as they are rather than what they should be.
6. Stupid people piss me off. Clarification – If you don’t’ know something, that is not stupid. If you have a learning disability, that is not stupid. If you refuse to see facts or blindly follow rules rather than reason or expect the world to always be nice and fair or are unable to agree to disagree on opinions, THAT is stupid. That kind of stupid that has to be practiced. It annoys me.
7. I appreciate and love disagreement with debate. If we all agreed, what a boring place the world would be.
8. I have been wrong and can freely admit when that happens, it just happens so infrequently that people think I don’t admit it. :)
Ground rules set.
If you are upset at this point, I would quit reading and wait for Susan to post again. If not, or you are and elect to continue, welcome and thank you! You have shown intelligence and a good sense of adventure.
My favorite English teacher said when writing a good paper, “tell ‘em what you’re going to tell ‘em, tell ‘em, then tell ‘em what you told ‘em. (Thank you Miss. Ferraro).
I am using my time on the blog to expose what is bugging me. I see many others are very nice and upbeat. Everything is coming up roses and everyone is so full of happiness. I, too, am very optimistic about the final outcome and our adoption team has been working very hard, but the process is ridiculous and customer service is missing. If you are delving into this adventure, do not let the ranting of an egotistical maniac (me) scare you. It is, in the end, worth every drop of blood, sweat , and tears. It is not that the process is stupid, or crazy, or intense, or laborious, or time consuming. It is all of these things and more. We slog through the paperwork and crazy rules because we have to. It is a process designed by committee with each group putting in what they think will be in the best interest of the child. What the process design committee seems to have forgotten is the best interest of the child is to have a family. We, the adoptors, have been in and out of the wringer so much that only the ridiculously determined will make it, but does it have to be so hard? If the people who went through this process had some say, it could be streamlined and brought to some semblance of sanity. I could number each round we have fought, but other parents have done the same or similar. If you aren’t in the process, ask someone who is and as you watch the neck muscles flex and the body tighten with the post stress while they recount parts of the idiocy required, realize that this is what we are doing to make ourselves happier in the end. Why is such unmitigated happiness of having a family so hard to obtain? As Every Single Adoptive Parent has asked, Why don’t they make these idiot baby factory people fill out half of the work we do? Population would slow and I could watch the news again. If you can and do watch the news, pretend with all of your heart that you don’t have children and that is ALL that you want, then watch one night of the evening news. What people are doing to children that you would trade all of your worldly possessions for will make you sick. Yet we are not pretending, it is true for us. Criminal background check, prior address check, home study, financial records, and time, the mother-flipping time. There is always a trade off, time is money and no where is that truer than with adoption. Pay an agency for quicker processing and help, or go it alone (reading and research could take months). Can’t afford Ukraine? China is half of the price but almost 3 years wait. And the big hush-hush secret: expediting fees while in country. Bribes, extortion, fees, call what you will, but it is time you are buying. And I have no problem with paying the fees and encourage people to if they can. It is the standard in foreign countries that have no minimum wage or welfare. To the sanctimonious dumbasses that throw their noses up as if this is an affront to the process, The bribe is a US institution. We legitimized it by calling it a tip. Tipping for good or better service was invented in the US. A rose by any other name…
Which in a very round about way leads me to customer service and getting what we pay for. First, rest assured we are happy with our agency as they have been worth the $ in saved confusion and time, but from what I have seen they and other groups could be improved with some simple business classes in customer service. All of the facilitators and agencies we met when we were interviewing, were people who wanted to get the children into forever families. They were social workers running a business, but I don’t think they want to see themselves as a business. Every single one said they were non-profit organization. But every single one is an organization that provides a service for a fee, a substantial fee, that is a business. Whether for profit or not they have customers, service offered, and product. We, as the customers, feel that we must take any and all mishandling so that we get our final product. But the agencies don’t understand that the happier the customer is with the service, the more inclined they will be for repeat and referral business! When a customer walks into a fast food restaurant, they aren’t sent to a corner office to wait until someone can serve them. You would never go back. Why do we put up with snotty bureaucrats, being left in limbo going crazy for information, and people who don’t care about us, the parents footing the bill? Because we are hostage to our desperate wants and needs for children. The parents I have talked to and the blogs I have read seem to have a recurring theme. “ I didn’t know what was going on until they said I was ready to go and then we were happy to have the child” Why isn’t information shared before that? Facilitators say “we are working very hard behind the scenes, don’t worry about it, we will call with news”. We hand over thousands of dollars, life savings in some cases, and then are told to shut up and wait? Seriously?!? What are they doing behind the scenes? Why can’t we have information. I won’t worry about rumors I hear on the net or chat rooms, if I get information in a timely manner. I just think a bit of business thinking could improve the service all around. We have not traveled yet and the blogs I have seen say the Facilitators in country are breaking their necks to help the parents. Why, in a service-oriented country like the US, don’t we get similar treatment.
I don’t think I am asking too much from the process or the people. We want children. You have children. We are yearning to take these children and with everything that we have, give them a warm loving nurturing home filled with food, frolicking and potential. You are spending what is necessary to give them basic living conditions. There must be a better way for the process. Someone get UNICEF”s head out of the quota system and back to a global village taking care of the children instead of supporting regionalized care. Agencies, realize you are a business regardless of your profit status and provide the service you are paid for. The child, as a product, is not yours to give. You are paid for emotional solace and comfort as well as the facilitation on the American side of the process.
Thank you for reading my opinions. If you have taken offense, why? Let me know, I love to discuss and debate. If you agree, good, shows intelligence. :P We now return you to our regularly scheduled blogger…
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
OMG! IT'S DONE!!!
Yes, it's true -- the dossier is FINISHED! And there was much rejoicing, yea! Truman got the remaining documents certified & apostilled today in Frankfort and called me from the steps of the capital building to say it was DONE!! You might find yourself asking us, "Now What?". We send it to the Florida branch of our agency, get it translated and then we wait....and wait...for how long, we're not exactly sure. Three months? 12 months? We are hoping for somewhere in between that time frame. We have gotten some great advice from fellow adoptive parent friends to focus our time on each other before we have a little one demanding all of our attention. That is what we plan to do. What a huge weight lifted off our shoulders!
If you have time, please try to follow along with two other families linked on this blog -- Kelly & Steve are adopting 2 little boys and the Johnson Family is hoping to adopt a little girl. They have both just arrived in Ukraine and I look forward to following along with them as well. If you are interested in what might happen to us while we are in country, their stories might help answer some of your questions (and ours too!).
Love, Su & Tru
If you have time, please try to follow along with two other families linked on this blog -- Kelly & Steve are adopting 2 little boys and the Johnson Family is hoping to adopt a little girl. They have both just arrived in Ukraine and I look forward to following along with them as well. If you are interested in what might happen to us while we are in country, their stories might help answer some of your questions (and ours too!).
Love, Su & Tru
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